God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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