We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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