So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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