Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
