that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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