Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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