I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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