I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize