I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
