I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
