it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Randomize
