he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize