I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
