There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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