I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You need Xanax blowdarts
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
