I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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