Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
