smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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