sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
