I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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