get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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