Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
no you cant smoke seaweed
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
