What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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