Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
