i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
