Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
