she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
