I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she woke up with a sticky ear
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
