Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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