Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I smell like Dick and happiness
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
