Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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