My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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