I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
