I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
