he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
