I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
