I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
