made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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