you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My vagina is officially offended.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
