is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
