nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
