My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
