I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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