watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
cat food counts as protein by the way
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
This baby is an asshole
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
