i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
