weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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