He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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