google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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