im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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