In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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