I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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