Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize