my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
