all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
