I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
