my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
