Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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